Taking the Bully By The Horns

A student came to me today trying to avoid getting into a fight. Well, I'm not sure she "came to me." I happened to be sitting in the administrative area on the second floor which happened to be outside of her gym class. She popped her head in and said that the same girl she fought with last week, was still trying to fight her again today. When I asked her why, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know miss, I guess she thought she didn't win." I wanted to laugh. A little. I said, "you mean she still thinks she has something to prove?" She shook her head. Affirmative. What ensued next was a bizarre course of events. I sent an email to the man who serves as the Dean but he was not around until the afternoon so that went..nowhere. She said she wanted to call her father and that led to this lovely dialogue when he requested that I get on the phone.
"Look, I'm about to come up there and go wild on that school. You mean to tell me there is no one at that school who can take care of this? Why is that girl trying to beat up on my little girl? Why is she IN that school? She should not be there. My girl is trying to do the right thing by going to summer school and y'all don't even have anyone there who can protect her? Ain't no security up in there?" I tried to explain that I didn't know the other girl's point of view. I tried to explain that I was pretty new to the school and that the best thing I knew how to do was to keep his daughter with me until someone who knew what was happening could deal with it. But the man, this father, was so frustrated and I was a lovely pin cushion. I gave him the main school number. Must have worked because one of the AP's came later and I know that at the end of the day, the girl was escorted home by an adult. I also happened to see "the other little girl," waiting for her outside of the school on her cell phone.
When I hear bullying, or cyber-bullying, I don't think about these sort of situations. I think about hurt feelings, or scared, wounded egos, but I don't think about physical--fight-or--flight type fears. Yet, that is what is happening. That is part of a real attendance problem and not just at this school. The kids need help learning mediation but they also need to attend a school where safety issues can be handled safely and smoothly. This is not the case in most under-resourced, under-staffed schools. The kids are scared. It's hard to see it on the surface with the maddening levels of bravado. These guys are so puffed up, they make a French chef's souffle look saggy and tired. Hard to remember that it really is just bravado. Underneath there is fear. Underneath there is insecurity, hormones, the desire to learn and grow and even some pride and accountability (it's just so buried that it can be demoralizing and very hard to find at the end of a super long day of negativity and at least on the surface, hopelessness). And, yeah, I'll admit it--I think of the term as a white kid's problem. But. It. Isn't. So, what can schools do about this? What can under-staffed, under-funded, over-taxed schools do? Offer mediation. Yes. I've seen some pretty decent programs, with not-so-huge an overhead cost or drain on the budget because eventually you get peer-to-peer mediation. Parent education. Yes, I guess, except that from what I've seen, the apples aren't falling far from the trees. The parent today practically threatened me and I was protecting his kid.  But, yeah, I suppose it can't hurt to remind parents that all of these stories have two sides. Most of the time the bark is bigger than the bite. How many metaphors can I mix in here? But there's a larger cultural issue at play too. Is there? I think there is.
Is the right way to settle a disagreement to punch someone in the face? Or to try and talk it out. Our country, heck, the world doesn't seem to know the answer. The diplomats continue to try to negotiate peace while the armies on all sides drone the heck out of civilians. Schools are just microcosms of the macro. The stakes are so low, what else is there to fight for? Many of their parents are out of work, the graduation rate is less than 40% (yikes)! They forecast a future that mostly includes death before 21 or pregnancy or diabetes or a horrible combination of these factors. By 9 am these kids have had red bull, lattes, donuts, chips and a bagel and cream cheese for good measure. Who wouldn't want to fight? (Don't get me started on urban malnutrition, I throw up a little every morning watching them eat). True story. So, what CAN we do? What ARE we doing? What would YOU do?